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Monday, August 2, 2021

Bespin Tourism Board Warns Visiting Droids That Power Sockets Are Not Glory Holes

CLOUD CITY, BESPIN — The board of tourism on the planet Bespin has issued an urgent warning to all droids who might visit the tibanna gas mining colony, after a rash of astromech injuries has plagued Cloud City.

“The Bespin Board of Tourism loves all our visitors, whether they be organic or artificial life forms,” the urgent warning begins, “however, all offworld droids should be advised that Cloud City has hundreds of power sockets installed in its various hallways and corridors, and those power sockets are not glory holes, no matter how tempting it might be to treat them as such.”

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In the last four weeks alone, fifteen astromech droids have mistaken Cloud City’s power terminals for glory holes. While all fifteen droids are expected to make full recoveries, experts say that it’s only a matter of time before one, or many, electrocute themselves past the point of repair. When Cloud City was designed, there were many discussions about where to put droid computer and power terminals, and even debates over why the power sockets looked so much like standard astromech glory holes.

“Administrator Calrissian has a soft spot for droids, and he truly cares about treating them fairly. Just like he’d treat a human, in terms of hospitality,” one source close to the situation speaking on the condition of anonymity told Outer Rim News. “He, and really all of us, just thought that astromech droids would be more careful about where they stick their protrusion hardware. Clearly, we overestimated their caution.”

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Should their new warning fall on muted audio sensors, the Cloud City council has promised to take up the issue at their next meeting.

“Obviously if warning all tourist droids before the arrive that they shouldn’t try to have sexual congress with any of our public sockets,” City Counselor Lobot told us, “then we’ll probably have to rip them all out and install sockets that don’t look like the things astromechs want to get it on with it. That could come at a considerable cost to us, and we’d have no choice but to pass those costs on to the customer.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.