FOREST MOON OF ENDOR — Weeks ago, record producer and convicted murderer Phil Spector died, and when he did, Chief Chirpa of the Ewoks announced his tribe would no longer honor any business deals they had signed with Spector previously.
“To be completely honest with you,” Chirpa said through an interpreter droid, “I never thought any of our songs needed his Wall of Sound production values anyway. However, it was what he did to our biggest hit, ‘Yub Nub,’ that left the worst taste in my mouth. A taste even eating barbecued, pulled man flesh couldn’t get rid of.”
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Chirpa explained to us that after the initial release of Yub Nub more than 35 standard orbits ago, Spector made contact with him, and offered his services.
“He said he could hear Yub Nub going in a much, much different direction than what he’d heard,” Chirpa said. “At the time, we figured it couldn’t hurt to have a remix of our biggest single out there, so we figured we’d give him a whirl.”
Reaction to Spector’s mix of Yub Nub was mixed, at best.
“He took all the lyrics out. Everyone, I think really resonated with the lyrics, and he took them all out,” Chirpa said. “There was one line, Oyah-itchity-oo, bada-bu-oh, wooh, waaaa! That just completely brought the house down every time. When I heard Spector’s cut, without the lyrics, I was shocked and angry, too. But the contracts had been signed, and we had no choice but to release his version of ‘Yub Nub.'”
Now that Spector has passed away, Chirpa feels it’s the right time to bring back the classic cut of Yub Nub for all the Ewoks’ “old school fans.”
“If there is one constant in the galaxy, it’s change,” Chirpa said. “So I think it’s time to embrace that concept and bring back the old school mix for the old school fans. I gotta tell you, I’m so excited it makes me wanna shout OH WEETA WETOW, YUB NUB!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.