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Monday, May 16, 2022

Clone Trooper on the Battlefront Comforts Himself Knowing His Death Won’t Be Canon

NABOO — “I wonder if it’ll hurt less when I die…considering I don’t really exist,” CT-1469 tells us as he gets ready to sign off from our holo-call and rejoin his clone comrades on the battlefront. “You know since none of this is actually canon.”

CT-1469, know to his fellow clone brothers as “Spurts,” doesn’t have much recollection of life before he entered the battle, he tells us. In fact, he believes the fight he’s in now is taking place in some kind of digital representation of Naboo, and that he doesn’t actually exist. That belief, he tells us, is at least partially responsible for keeping his morale up.

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“The way I figure it, if I die today, I die. Some of my brothers have told me that they’ve heard rumors that some clones have the ability to come back to life,” Spurts says. “That sounds like a nightmare scenario to me. I signed up to be a clone in the Republic’s clone army, not to be some zombie continually respawning from death, and dying in the same battle!”

Whoever wins this battle, Spurts isn’t sure if he’ll fight in another, whether he lives or dies.

“The thing is, I’m not even convinced that if I live to the end of this battle that anyone will ever see me again,” Spurts said. “Maybe it’ll be me at the Battle of Kashyyyk, maybe it won’t be. I mean, for Sith’s sake we all look alike to me anyway.”

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Editor’s Note: Shortly after ending our interview, CT-1469, “Spurts,” was shot in the head by a cycler rifle round and died. He was respawned and died another 15 times that day.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.