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Friday, January 28, 2022

Horny Clone Trooper Wishes Palpatine Had Given Order 69 Instead

“I mean, it’s his Empire, and we’ll murder whoever he wants. But can’t we also get super laid too?”

CTX-88085, known as “88” to his brothers in arms, has what he describes as a “voracious, insatiable, infamous” libido. Some clones don’t have any sexual impulses whatsoever, but not 88. He says that since his accelerated pubescent development stage started back on Kamino, he’s been “horny AF.” Recently, 88 made headlines for being the first clone to speak critically about Order 66, which was now Emperor Palpatine’s command to the clone army to turn on their Jedi compatriots and slaughter them on site, as traitors to the Empire.

However, as 88 told his story to us, it became clear that the genocide of a religious sect wasn’t so much what he had a problem with.

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“It’s just that, I don’t know man, couldn’t he have given Order 69 instead instead? I’ve always thought that was a way better order number than 66, if I’m being honest,” 88 told us. “I mean, it’s his Empire, and we’ll murder whoever he wants. But can’t we also get super laid too?”

Since starting his tour of duty in the clone wars, 88 says he’s “met plenty of top shelf life forms” that have “come on super hard” to him, but he’s always been too busy to take any of them up on their offers.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a Shiny or you’ve been around the block a few times,” 88 told us, “no one can resist a hard body in a uniform covered in armor. I’m talkin’ every gender, every race of life form. And I’m an equal opportunity lover, so I missed out on a lot of S and F action that I don’t know I’ll ever be able to make up for. Order 69 would have been a great way to cap off the war, for me and my BROTHERS!”

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A call to the Imperial records office on Coruscant did not reveal any recorded details on Order 69.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.