“How do we know the KESSEL VIRUS didn’t get released out into the galaxy on purpose?” – Darth Plagueis the Dumb
You’ve probably heard of the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise, but have you heard the Stupidity of Darth Plagueis the Dumb, his witless younger brother?
His parents named him Darth Plagueis the Dumb after he was caught trying to use his father’s lightsaber to trim his toenails, resulting in the loss of three toes. All of the men in the family are given the name Darth Plagueis which is then appended with an adjective that best describes them. Darth Plagueis the Really Good at Sabacc, for instance, won the World Series of Sabacc on Canto Bight. Darth Plagueis the Gassy is known across the galaxy for his potent farts.
Darth Plagueis the Dumb has spent his life living up to his moniker. Six orbits ago, Plagueis the Dumb held a press conference in which he accused scientists all around the galaxy of “perpetuating the hoax, scam, and lie of climate change.” Then, at the beginning of the universal pandemic outbreak of Sithvid-19, Plagueis the Dumb kicked his idiocy into hyperdrive.
“How do we know the KESSEL VIRUS didn’t get released out into the galaxy on purpose,” Plagueis the Dumb asked during a holovision interview last year. “And another thing, why are they telling us to wear masks? My good friend Darth Vader wears a mask, and he always sounds like he has a hard time breathing. So, what are masks really stopping, anyway?”
You can hear Darth Plagueis the Dumb’s AM talk radio show each day, and can watch him on One Imperial News weeknights at 17:00.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.