MALADHORK — Alt-Sith holotransmitter and conservative commentator Darth Benn Shapiro made headlines this week when he declared that he will always and only ever use a “whitesaber.”
“And it’s my choice to do so, okay? Nobody in the Rebel Alliance intelligentsia is going to convince me that I have to use something I don’t want to use,” Shapiro said during an appearance on Imperial MaxNews. “I’ve heard of this so-called Darksaber. Why is the media pushing that on us? Do they not respect the honor and tradition of whitesabers?”
The Darksaber is a legendary weapon designed and built by the first Mandalorian to enter the religious cult known as the Jedi. However, Shapiro says that from what he’s seen of it, the Darksaber “is probably benefiting from affirmative saber action” and that in his experience ‘whitesabers are just as good but the lamestream media doesn’t want to talk about that.”
“Sounds a lot like reverse racism against whitesabers,” Shapiro insisted. “That’s the far left for you though. Gross identity politics, and nothing more. Ever notice that the only sabers that the media talks about or shows are the ones that have colors? Why are colored lightsabers treated so much better by the press than good, clean, Force fearing whitesabers are?”
Darth Shapiro paused, and raised an eyebrow in the most pretentious way the Dark Side of the Force would allow.
“Exactly. Checkmate, Rebs,” Shapiro said. “Checkmate.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.