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Monday, May 16, 2022

Darth Shapiro Slams Conviction of Stormtrooper Who Kneeled on Jedi’s Neck for Over Nine Minutes

“You could tell by looking at him he was guilty, too.”

MALADHORK — Alt-Sith commentator Darth Ben Shapiro was outraged today during most of his podcast. The trial — and subsequent conviction — of TK-DC01, a stormtrooper who was caught in a holo-recording kneeling on the neck of suspected Jedi for over nine full minutes, had Shapiro quite hot under his robe.

Seething with raw anger, Shapiro lashed out at the jury who convicted DC01 just last evening.

MORE: Emperor Palpatine: ‘Why Is No One Talking About The Violent Alt-Left Jedi?’

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“So now we see, don’t we? What I was warning you about the last few weeks,
Shapiro said. “The woke social justice cancel culture mob can get to juries and intimidate them with clearly evident facts, scientific data, and expert testimonial. The galaxy is doomed if stormtroopers suddenly can’t just kill with impunity.”

Shapiro reminded his audience that the man DC01 killed had a “criminal rap sheet a mile long” and was “accused of one of the worst crimes in the Empire.”

“Hello? This guy was a suspected Jedi. You could tell by looking at him he was guilty, too,” Shapiro insisted. “I mean, I don’t want to say anything un-PC, of course, but the only people I’ve seen with his…you know…pigmentation who also happened to be armed with a purple lightsaber ended up being a Jedi, too. And that’s illegal now, in case you forgot. All I’m saying is he was clearly no saint.”

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Darth Shapiro worries that if more stormtroopers like TK-DC01 are convicted of crimes they commit, it will “chill recruitment” of new troops and “cause a lot of early retirements.”

“Being a violent bully jerk is sort of one of the main perks of the job, and of course the left has to try to cancel everyone’s fun,” Shapiro said snidely. “Whether it’s a stormtrooper murdering someone he’s just pulled over for a routine speeder violation, telling racist jokes, or sexually trafficking minors as an elected official, there’s just absolutely nothing fun or based in freedom that the Anti-Sith left won’t try to cancel.”

MORE: Rebel Alliance Debuts Its New “FU-Wing” Fighters

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