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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Without Explanation, Darth Vader Closes Every Beach in the Galaxy

“Why anyone would want to spend that much time in close proximity to that disgusting stuff is beyond even my powers to understand.” – Darth Vader

CORUSCANT — By order of Darth Vader, the Emperor’s right hand, all beaches in the Empire have been closed until further notice. Lord Vader provided no details as to why, and was quite hostile to the idea of taking questions on the subject during a press conference announcing the beach closures.

“Let it be known from this point forward that all beaches in the galaxy are hereby closed, and there is no planned date to open them back up again,” Vader said today. “Why anyone would want to spend that much time in close proximity to that disgusting stuff is beyond even my powers to understand. At any rate, all beaches are closed, and just know it’s for your own good.”

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Though he would not offer any detailed reasoning behind the beach closures, Vader assured the public the decision was based on “what’s in everyone’s best interest.”

“When’s the last time you went to a beach? Do you remember how long it took you to get rid of all the…you know, the…,” Vader stammered. “Don’t make me say it. I won’t say it!”

Just then, an aide walked in and handed Vader a piece of paper. Taking the paper, Vader acknowledged the aide and dismissed her.

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“Thank you Sandy, I – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” Vader howled.

Galaxy-wide beach closures were not the only thing that Vader announced today. By his order, official Imperial dictionaries will be updated to his liking. Several well known and often used words will be changed, Vader said, starting immediately, and the punishment for using one of the words could include strangulation.

“From now on, those things you eat that have two slices of bread and something in between will be known as ‘bread bookends.’ Also, if you’re doing any word working and want to make the surfaces smooth,” Vader explained, “from now on you will ask for ‘scrapey-scrapey smooth paper.'”


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