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Monday, May 16, 2022

Dear Abbi-Wan: When Is It Okay to French Kiss Your Brother?

In this week’s edition of “Dear Abbi-Wan,” I was contacted by someone who found themselves in a predicament that, quite frankly I had never been asked to weigh-in on. Namely — when is incestuous tongue-dancing with each other acceptable? For reference, here’s the reader transmission I received.

Dear Abbi-Wan,

I need some advice, and I need it urgently. Someone just told me that they’re my brother, and when I searched my feelings, I knew it was true. In fact, weirdly, I kind of felt like I always knew he was my brother. I can’t really explain it. Normally, I’d be really excited, as a someone who has been orphaned twice, to discover I had a long-lost brother.

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I kinda/sorta Frenched the hell out of him a few months ago. In front of my current boyfriend no less. I didn’t feel anything for him, of course, but I had to make my boyfriend jealous because he was being such a smug, scruffy looking Nerf herder! 

If I would have known that just a few days later my boyfriend would be a literal block of ice and I’d be hunting his bounty hunter captive down, I probably wouldn’t have done the kiss. But, I’m telling you, sometimes that smug son of a Bith needs to be reminded what a smug son of a Bith he really is! So, I laid a really deep kiss on the dude who ended up being my literal, actual brother. 

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Now my brother has gone to confront our biological father (long story, don’t ask, and it’s even more family drama that I’ll probably write to you about another time, anyway), and when my boyfriend asked me what was up, I couldn’t really figure out how to answer him. I think I hurt his feelings by not being honest with him about what my brother had just told me. What an utter mess, I know!

So my question is, when, if ever, is it okay to French kiss your brother? 

Help Me Abbi-Wan Yaknowbi…You’re My Only Hope!

— Desperate on Endor

P.S. Oh Sith! I forgot that I kissed him “for luck” once before! What the hell is my problem?!

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Dear Desperate,

Ordinarily, I’d say the answer is, “Eww. Gross. Never. Don’t be disgusting.” However, it sounds like there is a lot more about your personal romantic life that needs to be unpacked and examined. At least it sounds like you didn’t enjoy the kiss then, and wouldn’t kiss your brother again, if you had the chance, so in my book it looks like you’re in the clear there.

Do you know if HE enjoyed the kiss? Because that would be the thing I’d worry about more. If he didn’t, and better yet if he just signed-up to be a member of a dogmatic religious institution that shuns our natural instinct for romantic companionship, I’d say you’re in the clear. I can’t imagine that’s a very common thing though, so you may want to sit down with your bro-bro and ask him if he still wants to lock tonguesabers with you.

Hope I Could Help!

— Abbi-Wan Yaknowbi

Abbi-Wan Yaknowbi is a Force-certified personal therapist and life coach. Abbi-Wan can be reached with your questions at [email protected]