THE FOLLOWING IS AN URGENT COMMUNIQUE FROM EMPEROR PALPATINE. ALL CITIZENS OF THE EMPIRE ARE REQUIRED TO READ AND ACKNOWLEDGE THIS TRANSMISSION WITHIN TWO STANDARD DAY CYCLES. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN DISCINPLINARY ACTION UP TO AND INCLUDING A BLUE LIGHTNING ENEMA.
To All Life Forms in the Empire:
Let this serve as your one and only reminder that the Imperial economy is far more important than you, your children, or their teachers. This is true no matter which planet you live on, no matter which pitiful species is your own. It is far more imperative that the economy thrive than for you all of your children to live through their school years.
With that in mind, I am hereby ordering the re-opening to in-person instruction all schools and learning academies within the Empire. This is effective immediately, and regardless of any plagues or pandemics your planet or even entire system is currently facing. This is also regardless of the state of vaccination distribution on your planet in your system.
In short, you, like your children and their teacher’s, are now…MINE.
As such, should any of your sniveling, pitiful little offspring get sick, and then bring that illness home to you, wiping out all of your family, my response will be, and I quote, “Who gives a Sith?” Any instructors who fall ill will be considered “Not my prob, Bob.” Essentially, and I cannot state this plainly enough: I don’t care if you get sick and die, your kids get sick and die, or their teachers get sick and die.
You will find that it is you who will be taking your kids to school. A great many days to come. But let’s be honest with one another.
The Imperial Disease Control Command Center (DCCC) has just said this week that if we spent a Star Destroyer load of cash on all our schools and enforce very strict social distancing rules on children that they will 100% not follow, then there’s no reason kids can’t go back to school! Will I authorize those expenditures?! NO! I am a small-government authoritarian despotic leader! That means I will only spend government funds on things that make me happy, but as responsibly as I feel like being, at least.
However, should the DCCC be wrong, please keep in mind: I don’t care.
Get Your Little Bantha Poodoos Back in School,
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.