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Friday, January 28, 2022

First Order General Abandons Post During Cold Snap at Starkiller Base

STARKILLER BASE, ILUM — Living on a planet-sized weapon that drains stars has been a chilling experience for many Stormtroopers, but after the news this morning, their blood is boiling.

First Order logistical officers spotted General Zed Crux, a key figure in several recent insurrections, abandoning his post on Starkiller Base to board a transport for Naboo. An inquiry into Naboo’s travel agency revealed round-trip tickets for Gen. Crux, his wife, his daughters, and their eighteen servant droids, as well as a four-night spa-and-sauna package at a private villa in Naboo’s green summer countryside.

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“Listen,” said Gen. Crux’s spokesman, shivering in the three jackets he’d just taken off his interns’ frozen corpses, “for those who don’t live here, please understand how cold it gets when the sun goes out. Secondly…” He paused as his finger fell off from frostbite, then continued, “General Crux is only escorting his family to Naboo. Once they get there, he’ll come right back. To… this.” He then cut the press conference short to ignite his interns’ corpses for warmth.

A second inquiry into Naboo’s travel agency revealed that, while Gen. Cruz had indeed purchased a ticket for one back to Starkiller Base, he hadn’t done so until after the initial reports of his vacation began spreading among his troops.

“Let him stay there,” grumbled Stormtrooper YX-261, huddled with his comrades around a bonfire of old SNOKE FOR CHANCELLOR merchandise. “We don’t need him.” The other Stormtroopers, marginally protected in their armor’s thermally sealed body gloves, all nodded in agreement.

First Order propagandist Alesh A’louza seemed to echo the Stormtrooper’s sentiment as he defended Gen. Crux over Starkiller Base’s daily indoctrination holovid. “He’s only a General,” said A’louza. “At least out on Naboo, he’s not draining valuable resources from our brave men and women in uniform. Besides, what could he possibly do to help?”

At press time, Gen. Crux’s former rival for the generalship, Stormtrooper BT-0RK, had organized thousands of his fellow troopers into a planetwide mutual aid campaign.


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