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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Improve Your Dark Side Game With My Force Choke Pro-Tips

Once you achieve the infamy a Sith Lord like myself has garnered, it’s easy to get lost in the fanfare. Not only has an entire galaxy heard of my force choke, it’s almost like they expect me to murder somebody when they first meet me. Before you know it and with a helmet full of hot air, it becomes all the easier to slip and commit easy-to-avoid mistakes.

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Bumptious as it may sound, it’s kind of my “thing” to squeeze the life out of treasonous insurgents and I am absolutely impressive at it. Facts are just facts. So, as rather often requested, here is a short list of pro-tips.

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Research the Biology and Culture of Your Victims

Did I ever tell you about the time I almost got engaged to a Kaminoan? It’s true. Do yourself a favor: before you storm a planet, give the biological and cultural makeup a definite once over. These documents are readily available to you upon mission start, you can even ask your subordinates to bring printed-out physical copies for you.

Perfect example my near-fiance. Biologically, I couldn’t choke her by restricting her neck’s passageway from receiving breathable air. (She could keep breathing through her skin.) And arguably worse, culturally, I was quite literally asking for her hand in marriage by gripping her neck so thoroughly. It was one of the most romantic gestures anybody has ever paid witness to!

I used my lightsaber immediately thereafter of course.

Use My GLO System

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Because sometimes it’s downright impossible to make good decisions once you start to see nothing but red, it’s important to make time to practice and let muscle memory be your ally. So, I recommend my GLO System.

  • Grip: Grasp their neck forcefully, like a vice wrench. Do not let go.
  • Lift: Raise them from the ground swiftly, this will both cause them to go into panic, and discombobulate them, causing rapid breathing. Which will speed up process.
  • Overpower: Unleash your anger. Eliminate the life from them. Now toss them aside.
    If you don’t commit this to habit, it’s incredulously possible you could choke a single rebel for the entirety of the mission, limiting your true bandwidth. Such is the power of the dark side.

Squeeze Let Go Squeeze Again

Look. You don’t just grip and call it a day. This is an artform. You have to search their feelings and register their heartbeat. Let go of the grip at the right moment, and you can make this process that much more expeditious. In fact, I always like to allow them a very difficult full breath in, but then I won’t allow them to exhale.

Mix it up, see what works for you.

Start off with species closest to your own, since they will be so close to your own genetic makeup, it will be easier to comprehend how their breathing apparatus caves best, or better yet, funniest.

I once made a Toydarian: Burp, fart, burp again, and then soil itself before its eye popped out and he suffocated. And I did this all by controlling his panicked deathbreaths. It was hilarious.

Shake It When Its Over

Might as well, even after you can no longer sense their life. Just shake their neck once, and then break their neck twice. Always good to double check. If you do it more, you’re playing with it.


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The last and final tip, you already know: Practice, Practice, Practice. I didn’t get awesome at this by just reading articles on the matter, I went out there and I choked.

So go out and choke somebody so you can level up as well. Happy clutching, get angry out there!

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