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Monday, May 16, 2022

Rebel Alliance Debuts Its New “FU-Wing” Fighters

“Everything about this ship is designed to be a big ol’ middle finger to the Imps. Literally, and metaphorically.” — Admiral Gial Ackbar

It’s cobbled together from scraps of TIE Fighters salvaged after space battles. Its lead designer admits that it’s mostly “for trolling Imperials.” Starting this week, the Rebel Alliance’s new “FU-Wing” will begin to make appearances in skirmishes across the galaxy. Needless to say, Darth Vader, who recently saw the very first battle in which an FU-Wing was flown by the Rebels, is not pleased by the new fighter at all.

“I find their lack of respect¬†disturbing.¬†And also? Very rude, if I’m being honest,” Vader told reporters today when asked about what he thought of the ship’s design. “Regardless of the ship’s capabilities, it is a personal insult to the men and women the Empire have forced at gunpoint to design our ships for us, and I think at the bare minimum the Rebels owe us a personal apology, handwritten on nice stationery.”

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Admiral Gial Ackbar, the Calamarian behind the idea for the FU-Wing’s commission, wouldn’t say whether he and his fellow Rebel high command would issue the apology Vader is seeking. He did, however, admit that the ship was designed first and foremost to be a “techno-raspberry” from the Rebels to the Empire.

“Everything about this ship is designed to be a big ol’ middle finger to the Imps. Literally and metaphorically,” Ackbar confirmed. “It’s why we were sure to use parts from their own ships. And it’s why the horn plays a sound of Palpatine’s infamous fart on live holo-vision during his state of the Empire speech last year. The lasers are programmed to shoot in an ‘Screw Sheev’ pattern too!”

According to Ackbar, the FU-Wing will carry two crewmates, a pilot and bombadeer/navigator. The ship costs almost nothing to produce, as it uses crap from Imperial fighters. However that also limits how many can be produced.

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“In my mind, though, this is definitely a quality over quantity addition to our fleet,” Ackbar laughed. “It’s a crap…on the Empire’s face’s, and I rather enjoy that, if I’m being candid, which we Calamarians are known across the galaxy for.”

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