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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Hungry Han Solo Makes White Castle Run in Less Than 12 Parsecs

The White Castle fast food establishment on Ord Mantell was recently the site of a somewhat newsworthy event. Sources close to the situation are reporting to galactic news agencies that an extremely hungry Capt. Han Solo of the Millennium Falcon made a fly-thru order, picked it up, paid for it, and got it back safely to an undisclosed rebel base, where he and his compatriots shared the meal together. What makes the munchy run so noteworthy is that Solo and his Wookiee companion Chewbacca did it all in less than 12 parsecs.

“Han and Chewie were pretty famished, from what we’re being told,” White Castle manager Sliz Q’Uillbom told us. “Apparently they’d just pulled off some kind of daring raid on an Imperial supply depot, and that always works up a pretty healthy appetite. I’m told that they shared a spice doobie to celebrate their victory, though, and that’s why Han was flying such speed and urgency.”

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Q’Uillbom tells us it was a rather large order that Solo and Chewbacca made, which complicated their timing issues.

“Han joked that they were literally feeding an army, so we were worried that they’d have to park out in front for a bit while we put it all together,” Q’Uillbom explained. “I’m so proud of my team though. We got 3,000 bantha burgers cooked and wrapped up in record time ourselves, and Solo seemed pretty jazzed about not having to wait around too long for his food, too.”

No official records exist, but it’s assumed this is the quickest White Castle run any pilot has made, at least in a generation or two. Capt. Solo could not be reached for comment.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.