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Monday, August 2, 2021

Galactic History: A Short-Lived Change of Clone Army DNA Donor

In our continuing efforts to bring you the tales from our galaxy far, far away that you’ve even heard before, we bring you this chapter from our holocron.

For a brief time, the original clone donor’s DNA was replaced. 

While the Clone Wars dragged on, some in the galaxy grew anxious for change, and they didn’t really care what kind of change they saw. Some suggested that the clone army of the Republic be given new armor, including helmets without the famous blindfolds built into them. Others wondered if it was time to start switching the clones to a diet with far less blue milk in it. However, ultimately the powers that be decided a different approach was necessary, and they instead chose to replace the original donor DNA for the entire clone army with a new person’s genetic building blocks.

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“Terrijene Boll’ea was chosen as the donor, as Mr. Boll’ea was quite a popular professional grappler,” Galaxy Historian Boosh Koovy told us. “The only real criteria that was considered was Boll’ea’s physique and familiarity with a word that the clones had come to use for one another quite frequently.”

Boll’ea was the clone DNA donor for a short period of time.

“Oh yeah, BROTHER! I remember that time in my life very well,” Boll’ea excitedly confirmed for us. “I told them that those clankers were in a world of pain, BROTHER!”

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The clone army didn’t use Boll’ea’s DNA for very long, however. When high-ranking officials discovered that he mostly faked his actions in battle and followed a script pre-determined with the battle droids the night before, Boll’ea was given a dishonorable discharge and back on Kamino, the clone manufacturing team went back to using the old donor’s DNA.

But how his story ended didn’t seem to bring Boll’ea down one bit.

“I don’t regret a thing, BROTHER! It was one hell of a ride,” Boll’ea said. “And there’s still a chance I’ll be around when they issue Order 69 or whatever, BROTHER!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.