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Monday, August 2, 2021

Jabba the Hutt Doesn’t Think Poor Tatooineians Need Another Stimulus Payment

Black market business tycoon Jabba the Hutt recently told Slugs Weekly that he thinks there has been more than enough economic stimulus provided to the poorer denizens of Tatooine, and he believes they should “pull themselves up by their bootstraps” and pay their own way, even in the face of the worst pandemic the planet has seen in over a century.

“There should be no bargain! Why are we giving these poor Bantha poodoos in Mos Eisley and Mos Espa more money,” Hutt asked via an interpreter droid. “They’re poor for a reason! Probably because they don’t have skills, or are too lazy to go get a job. Do they not know I am always hiring smugglers and various cleaning staff for my palace?”

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Jabba believes the planet’s debt is “already far too high” and that he’s “tired of the rich” having to shoulder the burden of making sure poor life forms have enough to eat.

“I keep hearing these dire predictions that if we open up the shops and allow in-person drinking at our cantinas that the disease will spread and there will be bodies piled up on the sand dunes,” Jabba said dismissively. “Do we not have a Sarlacc Pit we can just chuck the bodies down? Talk about killing two mynocks with one blaster bolt! HO HO HO! AH AH AH!”

For nearly an entire standard orbit, most businesses on Tatooine have closed to fight a deadly pandemic outbreak of a newly discovered disease. Jabba lays the blame for the spread of the disease on travelers who brought it there from “Dantooine or some other shit hole planet.” He says that what Tatooine’s high council should have done is let herd immunity be achieved “naturally,” no matter how many would have perished.

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“It’s not like I’m saying someone should have Death Starred the sick,” Jabba defended his beliefs. “I’m just saying that we already have billions of life forms in the galaxy, and millions here on Tatooine. Maybe we should just fed our krayt dragon population with the dead, if the Sarlacc got too full.”

Imperial medical experts predict it could be another six months to a year until a newly developed vaccine for the illness is distributed well enough to open things back up on Tatooine completely.

“In the meantime, how high are my taxes going to be to get out of this debt,” Jabba argued. “Not that I pay all of them, obviously, I mean, I hire the best tax accountants the black market has to offer for a reason, but I am still, on principle against taxes. They are all theft, and theft is my business. I don’t appreciate the government trying to steal business from me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.