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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Jalimbaugh The Hutt, Dead at 70 After Battling Lung Cancer

TATOOINE — The vile life form known as Jalimbaugh the Hutt has died after a protracted battle with lung cancer. Jalimbaugh is well-known throughout the galaxy for his conservative holotransmission program in which he’d regularly insult the poor, offworld immigrants, and generally supported the Empire’s causes.

Last year, Jalimbaugh was awarded the Emperor’s Medal of Servitude by none other than the Emperor himself. While giving Jalimbaugh his medal, Emperor Palpatine hailed the Hutt as “one of the galaxy’s most vicious defenders of authoritarian lawlessness” and a “beacon of hatred, fear, and aggression.”

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“Over the span of his tremendous, bigly career, Jalimbaugh The Hutt has repeatedly amplified the best things about the Dark Side of the Force,” Palpatine said at the time. “Anger about poor people and immigrants. Fear about poor people and immigrants. And aggression toward, well, you can figure it out by now. Very few life forms in the galaxy have done as much to divide, belittle, and devalue those who are less fortunate, and the Empire owes him a great debt of gratitude.”

For decades, Jalimbaugh boasted that he had “talent on loan from the Dark Side.” He’d do his show from behind a large, golden microphone and smoke from his traditional Huttese hookah as he did his show. Doctors say that hookah smoke likely was a direct factor in his development of lung cancer. Ironically, however, Jalimbaugh was often a very public skeptic of the science that proved a link between smoking and cancer.

Sometimes, Jalimbaugh would mock the victims of the Alderaan incident. At other times he made fun of those who perished at Jedha. Jalimbaugh would frequently make fun of celebrities who tried to bring awareness to different illnesses. In short, Jalimbaugh was one of the most disgusting villains in history.

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“The so-called doctors with their so-called research are claiming smoking is bad for you,” Jalimbaugh once howled during a broadcast. “That’s just them trying to control you! And the only one allowed to control all of us the Emperor! It’s all doom and gloom from the scientists these days, but forget them! I will smoke my hookah without apology, and I bet I never have any consequences because of it!”

Jalimbaugh the Hutt was seventy orbits old.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.