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Saturday, October 23, 2021

Imperial Senator Jonrohnson Says Rebels Dressed as Stormtroopers Attacked Echo Base

CORUSCANT — During a fiery interview this week, former Imperial Senator Fukfayce Jonrohnson insisted that the recent attack on Hoth Base was carried out not be Imperial forces, but by Rebels masquerading as Imperials.

“Now, hear me out here, okay? Just hear me, out,” Jonrohnson, who up until the Emperor permanently dissolved it, had been one of the most conservative senators in the Imperial Senate told a news transmission host, “I have it on good authority from a guy who analyzed the recordings that it wasn’t stormtroopers on Hoth. It was Rebels dressed as stormtroopers.”

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Sen. Jonrohnson has long been considered one of Emperor Palpatine’s most loyal bureaucrats. For months now he’s pushed more and more outlandish rumors about the galactic civil war, always painting the Emperor in as good a light as he can, while trashing the Rebel Alliance and those who fight for it. Mon Mothma recently told galactic reporters that Jonrohnson is a “serious danger to anyone who values the truth.”

“Further, not only does my good buddy think he has evidence that the Rebels attacked themselves on Hoth,” Jonrohnson hinted, “he says he’s got stuff that can prove the Death Star was a false flag and that Alderaan was never even blown up! We have no idea how low the Rebels will stoop, and that’s why we have to do as the Emperor says, and wipe them out, all of them.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.