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Sunday, November 28, 2021

Imperial Stormtroopers Break Up Jedi Kyber Crystal Meth Lab

ILUM — Imperial Stormtroopers arrested two men who are accused of running an illicit kyber crystal meth lab in an early morning raid on the planet Ilum.

“The Empire has been tracking the two Jedi who we believe have been running this kyber crystal meth lab for the last four years,” Imperial Commander Korhn Kobb told Outer Rim news this morning. “Ever since Order 67 was put in place, it’s been against Imperial law for anyone to produce, distribute, or even posses kyber crystal meth.”

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Normally the punishment for the manufacture or sale of kyber crystal meth is a minimum twenty year sentence workin the spice mines of Kessel. However, because the two men were also credibly accused of belonging to an extremist cult known as the Jedi, they have been taken to an undisclosed location for deprogramming and/or execution instead.

“Kyber crystal meth is a dangerous substance and a gateway to laser sword play,” Commander Kobb stated. “That’s why the Emperor has been so laser-focused on keeping people, particularly kids, away from it. It may seem harsh, the punishment, but how else do you deter people from getting involved with a contraband substance than by criminalizing it and attaching harsh sentences to breaking those laws?”

Sen. Bail Organa of Alderaan, long an opponent of the Emperor’s war on drugs, things people like Kobb “have it exactly backwards.”

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“People addicted to drugs, any drug, need help. They need counseling,” Organa told us. “They don’t need lightning bolts shot up their butts, or to be choked to death by the Emperor’s henchman. I plan to live a very long life fighting to end this destructive policy, right after I get back from my vacation to Alderaan before I tour this new battle station the Emperor won’t shut his yap about.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.