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Monday, August 2, 2021

Male Mary Sue Uses Newly Discovered Force Powers to Guide Proton Torpedo Down 2m Wide Shaft

FOURTH MOON OF YAVIN — By all accounts, the young, male “Mary Sue” who just defeated the most awesome weapon ever developed by the Empire had only just been introduced to The Force, and was somehow still able to use his mind powers to guide a proton torpedo down the Death Star’s exhaust port. The port, just two meters in width, acted as a superhighway directly to the Death Star’s core. When the torpedo met its destination at the end of the exhaust shaft, it touched off a chain reaction, which destroyed the entire station.

“I still can’t believe he didn’t need the computer to hit it,” Commander Wedge Antilles, known also as Red 2, told Outer Rim News reporters this evening, “but he did it. By golly he did it. Some farmboy putz from Tatooine blew up the Death Star with his friggin’ mind control powers. Insane.”

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Not much is known at this time about the pilot known to most of the Rebellion simply as “Red 5.” What is known is that he isn’t the first pilot to use that designation, because the first Red 5 was lost during the Battle of Scariff. It’s rumored that the young pilot comes from the Outer Rim territories, and some have speculated that he might be related to someone famous.

“I kept hearing people talk about how he came to Yavin IV with a group that had Obi-Wan Kenobi in it,” one rebel pilot told us on the condition of anonymity. “So maybe he’s Kenobi’s kid? I’d ask him, but I guess Kenobi died on the Death Star or something. All I know is that this farmboy is going around telling people he used some kind of ESP or something to push the torpedo down the shaft which seems incredibly silly, but I’m told his targeting computer was actually off at the time, so who knows what to believe anymore?”

Not much is known about this male “Mary Sue” pilot at this time.

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There is one person who might be able to shed at least some light on who this total newcomer with the rather remarkable level of control over the Force for a total novice might actually be.

“I’ve flown from one side of the galaxy to another, and the kid ain’t the first person I’ve met to claim he can tame some mystical energy field,” Capt. Han Solo told us. “That being said, I was there. I watched him take that one in a million shot. I can’t say with certainty he only used his mind powers, but if he did, that would be a pretty amazing thing for a guy to do, if he’d just only learned about the Force a few hours prior.”

This story will be updated if more details about the young pilot emerge.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.