THE DEATH STAR — Travelling aboard the Empire’s newest, larger-than-a-moon battle station, Junior Moff Karlsin Tucker told Outer Rim News in an interview that after carefully looking into “hours and hours” of holo-recordings, he and his team could not find any traces of Sith supremacy in Order 66.
Issued just a few weeks ago, Order 66 directed the Clone Army of the Grand Republic to turn on the Jedi — a religious sect deemed “dangerous and dangerously in love with freedom” by now Emperor Palpatine — and wipe them out. All of them. In the ensuing time since Order 66 was given, untold scores of Jedi have been summarily executed by Imperial Stormtroopers and Inquisitors.
It has long been rumored that Palpatine is secretly a Sith Lord. However, Junior Moff Tucker threw cold water on that idea when we interviewed him. Moff Tucker called rumors that the Emperor is a Sith, and that Order 66 was about maintaining Sith supremacy “lies and disinformation.”
“So it’s worth finding out where the public is getting all this false information — this ‘disinformation,’ as we’ll call it,” Junior Moff Carlson says in the clip from his show on Tuesday night. “So we checked. We spent all day trying to locate the famous Sith, which in the end we learned is not even a website. If it’s out there, we could not find it.”
Junior Moff Tucker said that while it’s true that the Imperial insignia is derivative of Sith designs, and that Emperor Palpatine “can, from time to time use mind powers to shoot blue lightning at people from his fingertips,” rumors that he’s a Sith and pro-Sith supremacy are “outrageous inventions of the alt-left Jedi” and should be categorically dismissed.
“Who are you going to believe? The Emperor and his henchmen and goons, or the lamestream galactic media,” Moff Tucker asked snidely. “You know you can’t trust anything unless it’s coming from the Emperor himself. Seriously. It’s a new law. You’re not allowed to believe unauthorized things. More on that later.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.