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Friday, January 28, 2022

After Decrying ‘Socialism,’ Mustafar Begs New Republic for Volcano Relief

Authorities on Mustafar just two months ago were mocking other planets in the New Republic who were asking for financial assistance to get their citizens though one emergency or another. One Mustafarian member of the Senate went so far as to say that his planet was “sick and tired of bailing out hippy dippy leftist planets that always seem to be full of Rebels and traitors anyway.” Now, it seems though, many of Mustafar’s most outspoken politicians have changed their tune about asking the galactic government for money in a crisis.

“Quite frankly, these volcanoes are a big threat to our continued existence,” Zim Brezko, Mustafar’s Governor, told reporters during a press conference this morning. “Hopefully the New Republic government can expedite approval of our emergency request for volcano relief and give our people some much needed help during these times.”

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Throughout the day, users of social media mocked Mustafar’s officials who had made previous caustic posts about other planets who had requested aid from the New Republic. Brezko called his own past social media posts “regrettable.”

“As in, I regret that you all had the ability to search for and find them. I do not and never will apologize for hypocrisy,” Brezko said. “I’m a politician. I depend on hypocrisy for my survival nearly as much as I depend on the sulfurous air here on Mustafar to breathe.”

While some have questioned why Mustafar has done nothing to mitigate its volcano situation before now, particularly given how often scientists have warned them that they needed to, Brezko batted away such concerns.

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“Now is not the time to question our past judgment, apathy, and inaction. Now is the time to help us, no questions asked,” Brezko insisted. “Then, when we’re done needing help, it’ll be too late and we’ll accuse you of dragging up the past. However, I assure you the next time a planet that I disagree with ideologically needs help, I will completely suport having these exact kinds of conversations.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.