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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

New Age Self-Help Guru Dead At 900

DAGOBAH — New age guru and holovangelist Yoda has died presumably of natural causes, though authorities have not ruled out foul play officially as of yet. He was 900 years old and is survived by no known relatives, or even other members of his species, as far as has been reported to date.

Yoda rose to fame as a leader in the Jedi’s Light Side religious cult. Though he never had any children of his own, Yoda helped indoctrinate many younglings and train them to use what he called “The Force,” for knowledge and defense. In one holovid from a couple of centuries ago promoting the “Jedi Way,” Yoda is seen twirling a laser sword and promising to show younglings how to do the same.

MORE: Emperor Palpatine: ‘Why Is No One Talking About The Violent Alt-Left Jedi?’

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Yoda, who liked to be called “Master,” according to his religious beliefs, was assumed to have made quite a fortune selling novelty t-shirts and bumper stickers with his signature catch phrase, which he used in almost every holovideo he produced for his ministry, though official financial records were never disclosed. Even if Yoda had in fact made a pile of credits from his “There Is No Try” merch, religious organizations have never been taxed before, and so the subject has never quite been fully explored before. Now that he has died, some wonder if the Empire might conduct a full audit of his records.

While Yoda promised that people who bought his instruction materials and mediation guides could avoid “the pathways to the Dark Side,” some of the most famous users of the Dark Side have taken his Jedi Way courses.

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“Between Anakin Skywalker and Count Dooku,” Imperial Senator Bootaks Bewtyjoose of Nar Shada told us, “I don’t know many people who haven’t fallen off the wagon after taking Yoda’s Light Side courses. If you ask me, that doesn’t sound like the kind of guru I want influencing me or my actions.”

General Luke Skywalker, who was Yoda’s most recent protégé, announced Yoda’s death today at a press conference.

“I didn’t know Master Yoda long, but I will never forget his teachings. I’m so grateful that I signed up for his two week There Is No Try workshop and conference,” Skywalker told galactic reporters. “The things that Yoda taught me during that conference have stuck with me ever since, and I have a tendency to lose things like my hand or whatever, so it really means a lot to me that so much of what Yoda taught me has resonated with me for so long.”

There are no funeral services planned at this time because Yoda completely evaporated upon death.

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