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Monday, May 16, 2022

Nine-Year-Old Boy Wins Race No Other Human Can Even Compete In, Not a Mary Sue

MOS ESPA, TATTOOINE — Race fans were stunned this week as Anakin Skywalker, a local nine-year-old slave boy, took first place in the Boonta Eve Classic pod race, unseating long-running champion Sebulba.

“It’s unbelievable,” grumbled Watto, Skywalker’s former owner. “No human has the reflexes to even survive that race. He’d have to be some kinda Jedi! And win it? Forget it! Sebulba always wins!”

True to Watto’s declaration, no human in recorded history has ever finished, let alone won, a pod race until now. Tattooine bookie Okka the Hutt had set Skywalker’s odds of winning at 3,720 to 1. Only one individual, an unnamed off-worlder, is rumored to have bet on the boy, and not on the books. “I’m happy for the boy,” said Okka. “Too bad for everyone who bet on Sebulba. Wuh-huh-huh-huh-huh.”

Following the race, young Skywalker reportedly engaged in a brief street tussle with a Rodian boy named Greedo, who had accused him of cheating. Reached later for comment, Greedo told press, “I don’t know how he won, but he sure as Shloknak didn’t earn it. On Rodia, we have a term for people like him: ‘Mary Sue.'”

“He’s not a Mary Sue,” Skywalker’s friend Kitster Banai later told us. “Look, he was born with superpowers. Eh, actually, it’s more like he was born from superpowers. I don’t know. It’s complicated — you’d have to ask a Jedi, I guess — but trust me, it all makes sense, and it’s all completely justified.”

We contacted the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, where we reached Jedi Master Adi Gallia. “For one thing, Mary Sues are fictional,” she said. “They’re characters with skills they didn’t earn, who succeed when they shouldn’t, just because the author likes them. Whereas Anakin was born from the very Force that controls the universe, has a greater connection to it than Master Yoda does, can use it better than his peers who’ve been training since age two, and is prophesied to be the Chosen One.”

Anakin could not be reached for comment, as he was busy blowing up an enemy space station with a fighter he’d never even seen before.