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Monday, May 16, 2022

Empire Institutes Noise Ordinance Limiting How Many Voices Can Cry Out at Once

“I will come to your planet and personally give you all a lightning enema if you don’t settle down.” – Emperor Sheev Palpatine

CORUSCANT — The Emperor issued an official decree today, setting a noise ordinance in place that limits how many voices are “legally permitted to cry out.” The decree makes it clear that whether they are crying out in “terror, glee, or any other emotion,” that there is a hard limit of 999,999 voices that any planet may allow to cry out at once.

“There have been isolated reports of late that millions of voices could be heard crying out at once,” Palpatine said during a pre-taped holobroadcast today, “and though each time it has been reported, it has also been noted that they are suddenly silenced, and rather quickly, Ordinance STFU-66 makes it clear that at maximum, 999,999 voices may cry out at once at any given time.”

MORE: Tatooine Veterinarian Tells The Sarlacc He’s Developed a Food Allergy to Mandalorian Armor

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Emperor Palpatine reiterated that “everyone in the galaxy has a duty to keep noise pollution as low as possible.”

Emperor Palpatine used Ordinance STFU-66 to set a hard limit of 999,999 voices that are legally permitted to cry out at once.

“We all get excited from time to time, and far be it from me to dictate to anyone what they can or can’t do,” Palpatine said before letting loose with an enormous belly cackle. “Just kidding! I am the Emperor for goodness sake! Telling you what to do is kinda my whole thing these days, isn’t it?”

Palpatine warned that any planet that violates STFU-66 will “pay the price for their lack of quietude.”

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“I will come to your planet and personally give you all a lightning enema if you don’t settle down. I would just send my Death Star to pay you a visit,” Palpatine said, “but apparently some anti-Sith anarchists destroyed my beautiful Death Star last week. SAD!”

Ordinance STFU-66 will be in effect until further notice.

MORE: Chief Chirpa Officially Bans Phil Spector Version of “Yub Nub” from Ewok Airwaves

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