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Saturday, October 23, 2021

Official First Order Autopsy Lists Solo’s Cause of Death as “Acute Heartburn”

Notorious smuggler and swashbuckling space pirate Han Solo is dead. While there are rumors circulating around the galaxy that he is the victim of patricide, the official autopsy report released by the First Order does not mention foul play specifically. Instead, Solo’s cause of death is listed simply as “acute heartburn.”

Already the Resistance is decrying the coroner’s report.

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“What an outrageous assertion. I was there,” Rey (last name as of yet unknown, but given how this galaxy works she’s probably related to somebody important) told us via holo-interview. “Han Solo was murdered by his own son, Kylo Ren, otherwise known as Ben Solo.”

In response to Rey’s claims, the First Order released file photo of the moment that Han Solo died, which they say “clearly and easily demonstrates the heartburn that ended Solo’s infamous life signs.”

First Order file photo of Han Solo’s death by acute heartburn.

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Raz Scallyroo, the coroner who conducted Solo’s autopsy stands by his work.

“I defy anybody to look at those photos and examine his body and tell me I was wrong,” Scallyroo defiantly told the galactic press corps today. “Someone tell me he didn’t die of heartburn after you watch the tape for yourself. I mean…who’s the doctor here, anyway?”

No service has been planned for Captain Solo, because why would anyone devote any serious time sending off one or paying tribute to one of the most seminal characters in the history of this galaxy?

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.