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Friday, January 28, 2022

Op-Ed: No, Really, Where is Padme?

I find my lack of wife…disturbing. 

Yet, as I write this transmission today, I find myself in that exact predicament. I am lacking the wife I had not that long ago. The last time I remember seeing her at all was when I was getting, well, a little peeved at a FORMER friend who I was pretty sure was trying to Rick Springfield me with her. One thing led to another, I ended up armless, legless, and burnt worse than my master likes to eat his tauntaun steaks with Datooinian ketchup!

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Somehow, in the fog of the lightsaber duel I was having with my friend, the would be cucker of yours truly, I lost track of her. I lost track of my wife, and now I’m left to ask a single question. The question that has haunted me for as long as I can remember.

No. Really. Where’s Padme? Have you seen her? Is she safe?

I have asked my Master, but I found his answer unsatisfactory. In fact, when he told me what he believes has happened to Padme, I will say that I didn’t take the news well at all. Although, and maybe this is because my brain is still getting used to all the wires and circuits, since I’m more machine now than human, I could only manage to get one word out of my mouth in response.

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Do I believe that Padme is gone, forever? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I don’t!

So, really, where is Padme? Please, help me find her. I have asked some of my bounty hunter acquaintances to help me find her, but they are also very busy trying to find that snot-nosed kid who blew up my Master’s Death Star, so if anyone out there reading this has any clue where she might be, please, let me know.

…and if you are hiding her from me, I will find you and make you pay the price.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.