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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Owner Accuses Rebellion Hero of Stiffing Tosche Station on Power Converter Order

“I’ve sent a few invoices to the Lars homestead, but no one’s responded.”

ANCHORHEAD, TATOOINE — Bilz Kirdo has owned and operated Tosche Station for many seasons. Over that time, he’s gotten used to the locals and how they operate, and has come understand that moisture farmers and the like don’t always operate financially in a stable, traditional sense.

“I learned pretty quickly that if I didn’t do things on credit, I’d probably go out of business expecting everyone to pay for their stuff upfront, or even on delivery,” Kirdo told Outer Rim News in a holo-interview today, “but some people I guess think it’s okay to abuse my goodwill and E-Z Credit program.”

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Kirdo told us that he’s still waiting for Commander Luke Skywalker to come pick up and pay for an order of power converters he placed on behalf of his uncle several months ago. He showed us some grainy security footage of a man he claims is Skywalker and his best friend, though nobody has been able to track down Luke’s friend to verify that information.

Tosche Station’s owner says this is a still from security footage that shows Commander Luke Skywalker and his friend.

“I’ve sent a few invoices to the Lars homestead, but no one’s responded. It’s like Owen and Beru spontaneously combusted or something,” Kirdo explained. “I’ve known Owen for a long, long time, and it’s not like him to skip out on me and leave my cheese hanging in the breeze like that. It has to be that kid they call Wormie, Skywalker, it’s his fault somehow, I’m sure of it.”

Bilz has attempted to find Skywalker, but thus far the Rebel Alliance has been unwilling to disclose their location to him.

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“Maybe Wormie will read this article and realize he stiffed me and come back for his power converters,” Kirdo hoped. “I mean, he seemed really excited to order them, and even told me he’d be in as soon as they arrived from offworld. Well, he never showed up, and now I’ve got his friggin’ power converters collecting dust in my warehouse!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.