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Saturday, October 23, 2021

Palpatine: “I’m Afraid That My Death and Resurrection Will Remain Quite Canonical”

He’s back. Palpatine is back. Somehow…well, you get it. The point is, Sheev Palpatine, known in a previous era as “The Emperor,” and even as “Supreme Chancellor Palpatine,” and even before that, “Li’l Sheevy” as an up and coming hip-hop artist (before his work was deemed “total and complete derivative garbage and cultural appropriation,” the rejection driving Palpatine to an obsession with genocide and ultimate power), has returned.

What remains now is a question that has only been whispered about in certain circles, however it’s a question that many in the galaxy feel must be answered before a full understanding of Palpatine’s return can be found.

MORE: Bespin Tourism Board Warns Visiting Droids That Power Sockets Are Not Glory Holes

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Is Palpatine’s death and resurrection canonical?

“I’m confused. Did he come back to life? Is this new Palpatine a clone of some sort,” asked Slazz Boyep of Dantooine in a recent “life form on the street” interview. “Like, is this for real? Did this really happen, or is it just wild rumor and speculation?”

Not long after Palpatine’s return, though, rumors that it was either a hoax, or would somehow the history of our galaxy would be re-written to not include his return. The fact is there have been so many rumors, conjectures, and hopes spun as fact on the matter that it’s just not clear whether or not Palpatine’s death and resurrection are canonical.

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There is probably no better person to ask this question that the man himself, Sheev Palpatine. What follows is a transcription of a brief holo-call we had with Mr. Palpatine.

OUTER RIM NEWS: Former Emperor Palpatine, thanks for taking our –

PALPATINE: In time, you will call me your Emperor again.

OUTER RIM NEWS: …okay. Great. Mr. Palpatine, are you back?

PALPATINE: Undoubtedly.

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OUTER RIM NEWS: Is your return going to somehow be erased from our existence?

Maniacal cackling.

PALPATINE: Oh, I’m afraid that my death and resurrection will remain quite canonical no matter how much you whine.

Well, that settles it then, doesn’t it?

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MORE: Palpatine Says He Was Hurled Down a Reactor Shaft Because of ‘Cancel Culture’


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.