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Saturday, October 23, 2021

Palpatine Says He Was Hurled Down a Reactor Shaft Because of ‘Cancel Culture’

EXEGOL — Roughly thirty standard orbits ago, Sheev “The Emperor” Palpatine was thrown down the Death Star II’s reactor shaft, and for most of the ensuing time between then and now, the galaxy has presumed he was dead. That presumption was based on some pretty conclusive evidence, such as him exploding in a ball of gas and Dark Side energy. For whatever reason, though, he didn’t die, or at least if he did die, he found a way to come back, and has been relaxing and plotting his return from the comfort of a Sith temple on the planet Exegol.

For the first time in decades, Palpatine agreed to be interviewed by the press, and he conducted an interview with The Imperialist, a hardcore, pro-Empire magazine run by Ben Domenech. In the new interview, Palpatine blasts “cancel culture,” and says he was a victim of it. When his former apprentice chucked him down that shaft, Palpatine says it was “the worst example of cancel culture the galaxy has ever seen.”

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“As I was falling down that reactor shaft all those years ago, I couldn’t believe it. Canceled by my own apprentice,” Palpatine told The Imperialist. “I was his master! How could Lord Vader give over to the will of the woke Rebel cancel mob and chuck me over that railing? Do I not have a constitutional right, as Emperor, to shoot lightning out of my fingertips at anyone I choose?”

Palpatine notes that Vader didn’t throw him over the side of the railing and down the reactor shaft of the second Death Star until after the Rebels “let an urban fly the Millenium Falcon.”

“It wasn’t until after they did their Marxist affirmative action and hired Lando Calrissian that I got canceled,” Palpatine insisted. “You tell me. Doesn’t that sound like we’ve got some kind of Woketopia that the Rebtards are trying to establish?”

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Former Emperor Palpatine outright rejected the notion that he was thrown into the reactor shaft as a result and consequence of his own actions.

“Excuse me, but for starters, look at my skin color. I’m allowed to do whatever I want,” Palpatine snapped. “But more to the point, if orchestrating a civil war, consolidating power, and committing multiple acts of genocide is what we cancel people for these days, I don’t think I want to live in this galaxy anymore.”

MORE: Palpatine Denies He Incited Jedi Massacre With Order 66

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.