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Monday, May 16, 2022

Palpatine Demands Death Star Recount, Claims Empire Won the Battle of Yavin

CORUSCANT — Emperor Palpatine refuses to concede the Battle of Yavin the Rebel Alliance. Despite visual evidence that his highly-touted Death Star was blown to smithereens by a ragtag bunch of bush pilots exploiting a design flaw in the battle station, Palpatine has repeatedly denied the Empire lost at Yavin IV and is, at the time of publication, demanding a recount of the Death Star.

“If you claim the pitiful little band of rebels were the victors at Yavin,” Palpatine said in a galaxy-wide holo broadcast, “you will find that it is you who are mistaken. I will not concede! I won the Battle of Yavin, no matter what the galactic press tells you!”

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Emperor Palpatine announced that he is demanding an immediate recount of the Death Star. Though it’s unclear at this time exactly how one would go about recounting a battle station that was larger than a small moon after it was blown into millions of pieces. Palpatine seemed unconcerned with those logistics, however.

“When I went to bed, we were winning the Battle of Yavin! Then, I wake up the next day and read about proton torpedos and exhaust shafts,” Palpatine complained, “and my beautiful, bigly Death Star is blown to bits by some punk ass wamprat hunter? No, sorry, clearly the Battle of Yavin was rigged against me, and I demand a full, hand recount of the Death Star. Find every fragment!”

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Though the Battle of Yavin took place two weeks ago to the day, the Emperor has shown no willingness to publicly acknowledge his stinging defeat. The Death Star had been planned out and built over the course of more than a decade, and Palpatine was counting on it helping him maintain order in the galaxy. With the Death Star in pieces, however, it’s perhaps understandable why the Emperor would be hesitant to admit his valued weapon was no more.


“The Battle of Yavin was a total fraud,” Palpatine’s address said, “perpetrated on this galaxy by the Rebel Alliance. But make no mistake, Death Stars can be rebuilt, and we will one day have a fully armed and operation battle station to wipe out the rebels, all of them, once and for all!”

At last report, the Rebels have begun to move their base of operations from the fourth moon of Yavin to a new, undisclosed location.


MORE: Palpatine Says Anti-Jedi Seuss Books Should Still Be Printed

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.