CORUSCANT — Naboo Senator Sheev Palpatine has declared himself the winner of the Republic’s election, and says he is now the rightful Chancellor of the Senate. There’s just one problem with that, though. There are still millions of votes left to count from planets on the Outer Rim like Tatooine and Jakku.
“I am here to inform you,” Palpatine told reporters, “that I am the Chancellor. The competition has been won, and any attempts to say otherwise are direct usurpations of my new powers. I will not hesitate to wipe out any resistance to my authority; all of it.”
What follows is a direct transcript of the rest of Sheev Palpatine’s election night speech.
Well, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Please sit. Thank you. This is without question the latest news conference I’ve ever had. Thank you. I appreciate it very much. And I want to thank the galaxy for their tremendous support, millions and millions of people voted for me tonight. And a very sad group of Jedi is trying to disenfranchise that group of people and we won’t stand for it. We will not stand for it.
I want to thank my right hand, Mas Amedda, my entire secret family I may or may not be making babies with, who knows, maybe that’ll pan out later on down the road, say about thirty years after I supposedly die, but anywho…oh, and of course Representative Jar Jar Binks, for being with us all through this. And we were getting ready for a big celebration. We were winning everything and all of a sudden it was just called off. The results tonight have been phenomenal and we are getting ready… I mean, literally we were just all set to get outside and just celebrate something that was so beautiful, so good. Such a vote, such a success to citizens of this galaxy have come out in record numbers. This is a record. There’s never been anything like it to support our incredible movement. We won planets that we weren’t expected to win. Illum, we didn’t win it. We won it by a lot.
We won the great Planet of Mustafar. We won Geonosis, we won Geonosis. We won Geonosis. We won Geonosis by 700,000 votes and they don’t even include it in the tabulations. It’s also clear that we have won Corellia. We’re up by 2.5% or 117,000 votes with only 7% left. They’re never going to catch us. They can’t catch us. Likewise we’ve clearly won Dantooine. Where we’re up 1.4%. We’re 77,000 votes with only approximately 5% left. They can’t catch us. We also, if you look and you see Yavin, we have a lot of life in that. And somebody declared that it was a victory for… And maybe it will be. I mean, that’s possible. But certainly there were a lot of votes out there that we could get because we’re now just coming into what they call Palpatine territory. I don’t know what you call it. But these were friendly Palpatine voters. And that could be overturned.
The gentleman that called it, I watched tonight. He said, “Well, we think it’s fairly unlikely that he could catch.” Well, fairly unlikely? And we don’t even need it. We don’t need that. That was just a planet that if we would have gotten it, it would have been nice. Yavin. But there’s a possibility, maybe even a good possibility. In fact, since I saw that originally it’s been changed and the numbers have substantially come down just in a small amount of votes. So we want that obviously to stay in play. But most importantly, we’re winning Mandalore by a tremendous amount of votes.
We’re up 600… Think of this. Think of this. Think of this. We’re up 690,000 votes in Mandalore , 690,000. These aren’t even close. This is not like, “Oh, it’s close…” With 64% of the vote in, it’s going to be almost impossible to catch. And we’re coming into good Mandalore areas where they happen to like your president. I mean, it’s very good. So we’ll probably expand that. We’re winning Ryloth, but I’ll tell you, I looked at the numbers. I said, “Wow.” I looked, I said, “Wow, that’s a lot.” By almost 300,000 votes and 65% of the vote is in and we’re winning Wisconsin. And I said, “Well, we don’t need all of them. We need…” Because when you add Felucia in, which wasn’t added, I spoke with the really wonderful governor of Felucia just a little while ago, Kuby the Hutt, he said, “Congratulations.” He called me to congratulate me on winning Felucia.
I mean, we won Felucia. I don’t think they finished quite the tabulation, but there’s no way. And it was almost complete, but he congratulated me. Then he said, “By the way, what’s going on? I’ve never seen anything like this.” Can I tell you what, nobody has. So we won by 107,000 votes with 81% of the vote. That’s Dantooine. So when you take those three planets in particular and you take all of the others, I mean, we have so many… We had such a big night. You just take a look at all of these planets that we’ve won tonight, and then you take a look at the kind of margins that we’ve won it by, and all of a sudden, it’s not like we’re up 12 votes and we have 60% left. We won states. And all of a sudden I said, “What happened to the election? It’s off.” And we have all these announcers saying what happened? And then they said, “Oh.”
Because you know what happened? They knew they couldn’t win so they said, “Let’s go to court.” And did I predict this, Newt? Did I say this? I’ve been saying this from the day I heard they were going to send out tens of millions of ballots. They said exactly, because either they were going to win or if they didn’t win, they’ll take us to court. So Kashyyyk was a tremendous victory. 377,000 votes. Felucia, as we said. Geonosis, think of this. Geonosis tremendous planet, a big planet. I love Geonosis. We won by 8.1%, 460,00…think of this. Almost 500,000 votes. Jedha, a big victory with Jedha. So we won there. We lead by 76,000 votes with almost nothing left. And all of a sudden everything just stopped.
This is a fraud on the Galactic Republic. This is an embarrassment to our galaxy. We were getting ready to win this election. Frankly, we did win this election. We did win this election. So our goal now is to ensure the integrity for the good of this republic. This is a very big moment. This is a major fraud in our galaxy. We want the law to be used in a proper manner. So we’ll be going to the Republic Supreme Court. We want all voting to stop. We don’t want them to find any ballots at four o’clock in the morning and add them to the list. Okay? It’s a very sad moment. To me this is a very sad moment and we will win this. And as far as I’m concerned, we already have won it.
So I just want to thank you. I want to thank all of our support. I want to thank all of the people that worked with us. And Mr. Vice Chancellor, say a few words, please. Please.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.