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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Palpatine Commands Imperial March Played Before All Sporting Events

CORUSCANT — By Imperial decree, it is now strictly forbidden for any sporting event to take place throughout the Empire without having first played the Imperial March.

Owing to a “need to spread loyalty and fealty” to all planets he controls, Emperor Sheev Palpatine signed an order today demanding that the Empire’s anthem be played before any and all sporting events. From the most amateur of droid wrestling leagues, to the professional podracing circuit, Emperor Palpatine has ordered under penalty of death that the Imperial March be played prior to the start of play. The Emperor told reporters that this move coincides with his “Make The Empire Great Again” agenda.

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“As far as I am concerned, this Empire should be a priority, and it commands respect at all times,” Palpatine announced as he signed the order. “If it were up to me, and it really kind of is, you know, given that I have UNLIMITED POWER, I would fire any son of a Jedi who doesn’t stand at full attention for the anthem. Any kneeling to protest the treatment of the pitiful rebel band will no longer be tolerated!”

Along with ordering the anthem to be played, the Emperor also commanded that all those in attendance must be standing with their hands over their hearts, wherever they may be anatomically speaking, while the march is played. In the past, Palpatine has demanded that team owners fine or even fire those who do not show the anthem “the utmost respect.”

“This glorious Empire should be first and foremost in everyone’s hearts and minds. Empire First,” Palpatine demanded. “Fealty to me. Subservience to the Empire! MAKE THE EMPIRE GREAT AGAIN!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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