CORUSCANT — Emperor Sheev Palpatine, currently standing trial in the Imperial Senate for his role in the massacre of hundreds, if not thousands of members of the religious sect known as the “Jedi,” said during a new holotransmission today that he is not guilty if inciting the massacre, despite having directed Order 66 to the clone army of the Grand Republic.
“Let me begin by reminding you that the Imperial Senate has no standing, no jurisdiction over me or my actions, and they only meet at my discretion,” Palpatine’s transmission begins. “More importantly, I categorically deny that my Order 66 had anything whatsoever to do with the ongoing and repeated slaughter of the Jedi, who I will note are the real enemies of the people. Anti-Sith agitators, Never Palpers.”
Up to the point that Order 66 was issued, the Grand Republic worked in close concert with the Jedi. Over the course of several years, the Jedi helped lead the Republic’s war effort against the Trade Federation and Separatists. Once Order 66 was given, however, the clone army began to kill the Jedi on sight. Scores of Jedi, including untold numbers of younglings, were slaughtered the day the order was given.
Still, Palpatine denies any part in the massacre, and instead blames two Jedi in particular.
“Is it really incitement if you directly tell people to do things and then they do them? The real culprits are Obi-Wan Kenobi and the green menace, Master Yoda,” Palpatine insisted. “These far-left, Anti-Sith religious terrorists have been known to cut peoples’ arms off with their laser swords on a whim! If anybody is violent, it’s these Anti-Sith Never Palpers who tried to usurp my power.”
Palpatine then divulged the details of an incident that up to then had not been made public knowledge.
“In fact, a group of these religious zealots attacked me in my office, and tried to arrest me,” Palpatine announced. “One of them, the urban Jedi, if you know what I mean, flashed his purple laser sword at me, and had it not been for the swift work of my good friend Darth Vader, who is definitely a totally new person in a shiny black armor suit and not anybody you’ve ever read about or seen before, I might not be alive today!”
Sen. Bail Organa, who is leading the trial against Palpatine, doesn’t think he has much of a chance of winning, but he still believes the trial is “vital and necessary.”
“Now that he’s a so-called ’emperor,’ I understand that our power to challenge him will be quite limited,” Organa said, “but I still have to try. I still have to make an effort to hold him accountable, no matter how much he threatens me. I mean, what’s he gonna do? Blow up my planet in retaliation or something?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.