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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Palpatine: It’s ‘Too Early’ to Talk Lightsaber Control After Younglings Slaughtered at Coruscant School

“If anything, it seems we need some Jedi control.” — Emperor Sheev Palpatine

CORUSCANT — Newly self-anointed Emperor Sheev Palpatine told reporters this morning that despite the recent mass slaughter of younglings at the Jedi Temple, it’s still “far too early” to discuss any forms of lightsaber control.

“Why do we always blame the weapon and not the one who wields it,” Palpatine asked rhetorically. “I understand this is an emotional time. There have been younglings slaughtered, and the urge to do something about it is quite strong. But it’s too early. Far too early, in fact, to talk about lightsaber control.”

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In what might be a controversial statement, Palpatine seemed to blame the Jedi themselves for the death of the younglings.

“If anything, it seems we need some Jedi control. The younglings were killed with the kinds of laser swords only Jedi carry. I certainly don’t know of any group of people who use lightsabers, no sirree I do not,” Palpatine argued. “So, this sounds like some sort of inside job to me, and I’d hate for good, law abiding citizens to lose their rights to their weaponry over this. Although, no that I’m thinking about it out loud, disarming people so they can’t rebel against my Imperial order would be quite advantageous.”

In the wake of the horrific murder of the younglings at the temple, some senators had called for Palpatine to issue some regulations on who can own a lightsaber. Palpatine has called those requests “understandable but misguided.”

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“We musn’t deal from a place of emotion in the aftermath of this horrible incidents. But also, and this could come off a little gross, but I’m your Emperor so I’ll just have you killed if you call me on it,” Palpatine laughed, “let me just say it this way…is it really that bad a thing of a few dozen kids can’t grow up to become Jedi anyway. I mean, don’t you think those Jedi have always acted a little whackadoo?”

While lightsaber control is officially “off the table,” the Emperor did promise that he is “already taking swift action” to address what he feels is the root cause of the violence at the Jedi Temple.

“Order 66 will ensure that these dangerous anti-Imperial left-wing religious cultists’ influence on our galaxy is immediately brought to a close,” Palpatine promised. “In just over a generation, we may not even recall who these Jedi were, or what their silly magical energy fields or crystal chakra magic bantha poodoo supposedly were.”

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