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Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Palpatine Bashes Renewable Energy, Warns Galaxy About Moisture Vaporator Cancer

CORUSCANT — Emperor Palpatine mocked the use of so-called “renewable” energy sources today, as large swaths of the Empire continue to experience freezing cold temperatures, despite being planets that generally have a variety of climate zones. In particular, Palpatine warned citizens not to build and implement any technologies designed to harvest moisture from the air.

“First of all, who’s to say, really, that climate change is real? As far as I’m concerned,” Palpatine told One Imperial News this morning, “the science of climate change is not settled. But more to the point, if renewable energy was so great, if it was so good for the galaxy, why do wind turbines kill so many mynocks, and why does everyone who lives near a moisture vaporator get cancer and die?”

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Palpatine has long been an outspoken critic of renewable energy sources. In fact, for many years now, Palpatine has said publicly that the only green energy he likes is “the kind that shoots giant lasers that blow up planets.” Imperial technology is specifically designed to use up whatever resources are necessary, regardless of what’s left behind, to power and fuel it.

“I have been trying to warn everyone about moisture vaporator cancer forever! Ever since I tried to build a new pod racing stadium on Tatooine,” Palpatine said. “Those cucks tried to tell me I’d damage the environment if I built the stadium where I wanted it, and they had the temerity to insist that the land I wanted to build on was already earmarked for moisture vaporators! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!”

There are no current records in the Imperial Archives that reference moisture vaporator cancer, and there are no published medical journals on the subject either. Despite that fact, Palpatine asserted that there is no need for any planet to develop renewable energy, because he can provide “unlimited power” at will.

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“Let’s just say, I have, at my fingertips, the kind of energy one usually only sees in lightning storms,” Palpatine coyishly inferred. “When you can create UNLIMITED POWER right from your very fingers, you don’t need need any socialist moisture vaporators anyhow!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.