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Monday, May 16, 2022

Palpatine Won the Battle of Endor, Says Sleep Chamber Salesman

BELLA VISTAL, CORELLIA — Shryke Dellin, purveyor of Maipilo sleep chambers and enthusiastic Palpatine supporter, has released a three-hour holovid in Palpatine’s defense. In this holovid, which he produced during a 6-day spice binge, he claims that the deceased former Emperor not only still lives, but won the decisive Battle of Endor.

Titled “Proof Positive,” the holovid begins with Dellin wishing long life to the late Emperor, who fell down a pit and exploded. “Palpatine, you know, he’s this brilliant strategist, always has been,” Dellin sputters from behind a desk in the opening scene. “He swept away the Old Republic before they even knew it. Not even the Jedi could stop him, and they could see the future, right? So why…” he continues, raising his voice as if shouting to a random passerby hurrying down the other side of the street, “would he leak the real Death Star plans to the Rebels trying to kill him, huh? Makes no sense.”

Op-Ed: No, Really, Where is Padme?

Dellin then snorts a huge pile of spice through a straw, rolls his eyes all the way back in his head, whispers a tearful prayer, and then snaps back toward the camera, ranting at superlight speed. “And why wouldn’t he put the shield generator inside the freakin’ shield? Didn’t he learn freakin’ anything from the Battle of Coruscant, you know, where General Grievous had him hostage on that ship, and the ship was shielded, and the Jedi shot out the generators so they could dock in that ship, and why weren’t those freakin’ shields — HE WAS ON THAT SHIP! HE’D REMEMBER THAT, RIGHT?”

Finally taking a breath, Dellin straightens his clothes a bit, then segues into an interview with Imperial Remnant officer Moff Gideon. At Dellin’s prompting, Moff Gideon discusses the ground battle on the Endor moon.
"Stormtroopers never miss," says Moff Gideon.
“Imperial stormtroopers are known galaxy-wide for their phenomenal marksmanship,” says Gideon. “Between that, their armor, their fortifications, and their heavy assault vehicles, the idea that they lost to tiny little natives with rocks and sticks is ridiculous on its face.” Gideon then excuses himself and cuts the transmission, just as blaster fire starts to ring out from down the hall behind him.

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“Wow,” says Dellin. “Wow.” He stares past the camera, apparently into the endless void of space. “Wow.”

“Now I know what you’re all thinkin’,” he suddenly shrieks at the camera. “If the Death Star didn’t explode, what the hell did? I’ll tell you what.” He then brings up a blurry, unsourced photo of the famous explosion over Endor, pointing all over it at random. “See?” he demands. “That’s an X-Wing, that’s an X-Wing… It’s not the Death Star that blew up, it’s the whole damn Rebel Fleet! There are no Rebels anymore, Chancellor Mothma is an illegitimate ruler, and the New Republic is a total sham! Hail Palpatine!”

Dellin then collapses onto his desk, face-first into the remaining spice, and sobs for eight straight minutes. Following that, he pops back up and resumes ranting for another two and a half hours.

Palpatine could not be reached for comment, because he is dead.

MORE: Emperor Palpatine Tells Vader He Doesn’t Want Any Shithole Planets Joining The Empire