If you’re going to be hopping aboard a Star Tours ship with coordinates set for the lovely beaches on Scarif any time soon, the Imperial Board of Tourism strongly recommends that you apply a sunscreen rated at SPF 6.000,000 or higher.
Though the details for this recommendation are still being classified as “need to know” intelligence, the ITB stresses that, under no uncertain terms, should a tourist visit Scarif Beach in the next 24-48 hours without first putting on an extremely strong sunscreen. in fact, the ITB suggests that visitors may want to delay their visit to Scarif for a few weeks, however if you simply cannot cancel your spaceflight, you are warned not to visit the beach until you are wearing sunscreen, and are completely covered, leaving no skin, flesh, or tentacles exposed.
We reached out to the ITB and its Junior Administrator, Fluschebum Wi’zka of Dantooine, agreed to answer what questions he could.
“All we can say at this time is that technically it’s not really sunlight that they’d be protecting themselves against so much a giant laser, or you know, whatever,” Wi’zka told us. “Again, though, we really think if your Star Tours booking agent can arrange a refund or a raincheck, that’s what citizens should pursue, first. Scarif’ll be around a long time. Alderaan? Maybe not so much. Sithspit. I’ve said too much.”
Mr. Wi’zka ended his transmission abruptly.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.