ATHISS — Mo’ Viustres identifies first and foremost as a member of the Sith religion. This means he embraces the Dark Side of what certain galactic faiths call the “Force.” Anger, fear, and aggression dictate most of his actions.
However, Viustres also considers himself an “incel,” or “intentionally celibate.” It’s not that he can’t find someone to have sexual congress with, according to Mo’. He has just made the conscious decision to not have sex with anyone, even if they wanted to have sex with him. Despite not interviewing anybody who wanted to have sex with Viustres for this article, he insists ‘they’re out there somewhere.”
As a Sith, there are very few people in the galaxy that Mo’ actually likes. He likes himself. And he likes the person he used to call “Master” prior to killing him so he could take his own apprentice who will, very likely, kill Viustres one day. That being said, he has a particularly strong hatred for the Resistance hero known as “Rey Skywalker,” though he can’t quite articulate exactly why he hates her more than others.
“She’s just…I don’t know…such a Mara Jade Sue, if you know what I mean,” Viustres told us in an interview today. “Like, other than growing up on a backwater planet, orphaned, having to struggle to find scraps to sell just so she can eat, and then being thrust into the middle of a great galactic war and struggling to find her identity in that chaos, losing more people she cares about along the way, what hardships did she ever have to face? What failures did she ever have that would have made her a better character…er, I mean, would have given her better character?”
Mo’ said it’s “bad enough Rey’s using the light side and trying to bring the Jedi back,” but that’s made even worse by “how quickly she mastered the Force.”
“I mean, for Palp’s sake at least that Luke guy had, what, ten, fifteen minutes of training with a remote droid on the Millenium Falcon before he used his mind control powers to guide a proton torpedo down a small exhaust port at break-neck speeds,” Mo’ complained. “That’s, like, a lot of training or whatever. I don’t know. She just seems like a real Social Justice Jedi and that bugs me, what can I say?”
Rey isn’t the only Resistance hero that Viustres hates though. He also has a strong loathing of Finn, the former Stormtrooper, and Rose Tico.
“It’s like, I’m always wondering, did they get their positions high up in the Resistance because of their competency and skill,” Viustres asked rhetorically, “or was it you know, based on like affirmative action or whatever? I just wanna tell the Resistance to quit making everything about politics and stop ramming their diversity down my throat!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.