CORUSCANT — The Supreme Leader of the First Order held a press conference today and announced plans to build a massive force field to keep anyone he sees fit out of the space his organization controls.
“Not only will I build this massive, beautiful space wall,” Supreme Leader Snoke told reporters, “I will make sure the First Order doesn’t pay a single credit for it. Do you know who will pay for it, though? The Resistance.”
While Snoke declined to give the galaxy very many specific details as to how the force field would be built, he assured systems that it would be “bigly, beautiful, and at least sixteen million parsecs high.”
“The space wall will be so bigly that systems will cower before it. It’s gonna be just beautiful, too, let me tell you,” Snoke rambled. “I’m told by several people that it’s the smartest idea literally anybody could have or ever will have. And the real genius, I’m telling you all, is that I’m gonna make the Resistance pay for it.”
Leia Organa, a general in the Resistance, laughed off Snoke’s assertions.
“Not a chance. There is not a chance at all that we’ll pay for his ridiculous space wall,” Organa told us. “I have to admit, it’s been about 30 years since I remember seeing a leader so brazen and public in his confident embrace of evil. It’s almost like this guy is a clone of — nah. That’s just too on the nose, even for this galaxy.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.