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Monday, August 2, 2021

Stoner Jedi Got the Totally Wrong Idea About What “High Republic” Means

THE PLANET OF CANNABISSIA — Jedi Knight Tomchon’g Cheechmarinn told Outer Rim News this morning that he’s “feeling a little embarrassed” after his recent meeting with the Jedi Council.

“Yeah, I think it was all just a little misunderstanding, but they’ve definitely made everything clearer to me,” Tomchon’g told us via a holo-call. “It turns out, I had a totally different idea of what they meant by High Republic. We talked it out, and they even told me they could see where I’d get that idea from.”

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Jedi Knight Tomchon’g has been on what he calls a “research and discovery” mission to Cannabissia for the last four years. When he was told by the council to begin also looking into the era known as the “High Republic” because they wanted to gain a better perspective on the war with the Separatists and Trade Federation. However, Tomchon’g says something got “lost in translation” and he thought they were instructing him to “get hella baked.”

“I spent the last six weeks in a yurt here on Cannabissia,” Jedi Knight Cheechmarinn explained. “I ate a lot of edibles, and smoked the finest of herb. I listened to the best jizz wailers that the galaxy had to offer. I gotta say, it was a pretty great time for me, and I didn’t think about the war even once.”

Now that the Jedi Council has set him straight, Tomchon’g says he’s ready to start researching the actual High Republic era, though he got permission from them to do his research in his own way.

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“There is no way I’m gonna bury my head in old ass holocrons without a little bit of the icky-sticky,” Tomchon’g said. “That’s just a given. You try reading about stuff that happened centuries before you were born without being just a little high. I bet you can’t.”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.