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Saturday, October 23, 2021

Chief Imperial Designer Defends Decision to Issue Stormtroopers Helmets With Removable Blindfolds

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t foresee this ever really becoming a big thing at all. It sort of feels like fake news.” — Imperial Designer Rett Miahpihk

CORUSCANT — Assuring the galactic public that he takes “full responsibility” for it, Chief Imperial Designer Rett Miahpihk defended the decision to issue Imperial Stormtoopers helmets with removable blindfolds.

“I understand that some might question this decision, but I stand by it. Some may ask,” Miahpihk supposed, “when there would ever be a need for a Stormtrooper to wear a blindfold in the first place? Well, I would argue those people have perhaps never served a day of military service in their lives, and don’t know how hard it is to fall asleep with a helmet on while on a mission to a planet in the far reaches of the galaxy.”

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Miahpihk conceded that there could be a chance of mechanical failure or human error that might put a stormtrooper at risk of “firing blind or with their vision significantly impaired,” but called recently leaked transmissions, there have been no tests conducted that show any cause for alarm or concern. He emphasized that those transmissions are “fake news” as is the concern of anyone who questions his designs.

“I’m sorry, but I just don’t foresee this ever really becoming a big thing at all. It sort of feels like fake news,” Miahpihk opined. “You enemies of the Empire and your far-left, anti-Sith agenda are really sickening sometimes, you know that? The Emperor won, okay? Deal with it, snowflakes. He’s still your Emperor.”

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While he admitted that it was “perhaps maybe possible” that the internal blindfold mechanism “might perchance bring about some minor oopsies” on the battlefield, Miahpihk seemed to suggest it would not be his fault.

“Ultimately, if you call yourself the most powerful person in the galaxy, aren’t you really responsible for your employees’ screw-ups,” Miahpihk asked. “I’m just asking questions here, that’s all. Or does the credit not stop in throne room?”

UPDATE: Newly promoted Chief Imperial Designer S’ynaydeo Conur has promised to re-evaluate the internal blindfolds in Stormtrooper helmets just as soon as he finds the time. He will not, however, be addressing any concerns about his decision to have all the sights removed from stormtrooper blasters to save on production costs.

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