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Monday, August 2, 2021

Stormtrooper Claims She Was Reaching for Stun Baton When Her Blaster Rifle Killed Moisture Farmers

“This is standard operating procedure while we help the trooper involved in the shooting create his or her excuse and then manufacture the documentation to back it up.”

TATOOINE — Two moisture farmers whose charred remains were found outside their home early last week were shot and killed by an errant blaster rifle bolt, according to the Stormtrooper that shot them.

“Just a few minutes past noon last Quarrieday, there was a trooper-involved shooting incident at a moisture farm not far from Anchorhead,” Commander Gre Lollum of the Outer Rim Stormtrooper Division said during a holoconference today, “leaving two citizens of the planet Tatooine dead. The TK involved in the incident has informed us that she inadertantly killed them, as she believed she was getting ready to use her stun baton, and not her standard issue, E-11 blaster rifle.”

MORE: Rebel Alliance Debuts Its New “FU-Wing” Fighters

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Commander Lollum explained that the stormtrooper, whose TK number he would not divulge at this time out of “concern for protecting her right to a trial,” has been cooperating with the investigation into the incident. Lollum admitted that it seemed odd someone would mistake a stun baton which is much lighter for a blaster rifle, but that he still supported the trooper. He expressed a hope that she will get a fair trial in which her right to “kill with impunity in the name of law and order” will be upheld. Lollum said the stormtrooper is currently on leave, with full pay.

A standard issue blaster such as this one ended the lives of two moisture farmers suspected of harboring stolen Imperial Navy data.

“This is standard operating procedure while we help the trooper involved in the shooting create his or her excuse and then manufacture the documentation to back it up,” Commander Lollum declared. “No stormtrooper should lose their freedom or job just because they demonstrate complete and utter incompetence.”

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Commander Lollum also addressed one more element to the story that had been the focus of scrutiny in the press and by politicians. The subsequent fire that destroyed much of the farmers’ residence, was not started intentionally, at least according to Lollum. Instead, he said it was a tragic accident.

“An errant blaster bolt from one of our other troopers, who was attempting to assist in calming the suspects down with a simple warning shot struck a gas cannister in their kitchen,” Lollum said with a somber tone, “which ignited it, causing the structure fire.”

Darth Vader, the Emperor’s executive assistant in charge of Jedi genocide and Rebel hunting, praised the stormtrooper in a statement.

“I commend the TK in question on her decision to make an example out of those farmers, who should have known better than to live on a planet so full of that terrible, gritty crap,” Vader said, “and so if you ask me our trooper did them a favor by making it so they never had to be around that…FILTH…again.”

MORE: Tatooine Veterinarian Tells The Sarlacc He’s Developed a Food Allergy to Mandalorian Armor


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