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Friday, January 28, 2022

Tarkin Blames Scarif’s Destruction on the ‘Green New Laser’

THE DEATH STAR — Outer Rim News can now exclusively report that much of the Imperial Archives on the planet Scarif have been completely and utterly destroyed. While the details of the destruction are still trickling in, it would appear that the same battle station that just wiped out much of the planet Jedha, including an ancient religious temple and millions of creatures who lived there. On board that battle station, known only as the “Death Star,” Grand Moff Tarkin agreed to answer just a handful of our questions about the events of the last week.

Tarkin is the man the Emperor put in charge of the Death Star after the death its previous director, Orson Krennic. Moff Tarkin does not deny that Jedha and Scarif are now both in tatters, and he does not deny that he was the one who ordered the destruction of the Imperial Archives. However, Tarkin stopped short of taking any of the blame for the carnage and untold trillions of credits in property damage, and he defended Emperor Palpatine from criticism as well.

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Instead, Tarkin told us that he blames the “green new laser” for the devastation on Scarif.

“I decided to demonstrate this battle station’s destructive power on Scarif, that much is true,” Tarkin acknowledged. “However, I wouldn’t say I accept blame or responsibility. I blame the green new laser.”

While Moff Tarkin is certainly no environmentalist, he wasn’t actually referring to any set of conservationist, renewable energy policies proposed by young Sen. Leia Organa of Alderaan. He was literally talking about a new, giant green laser on the Death Star.

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“See, there’s this big green laser on the big circle-thingy built into this Death Star here,” Tarkin explained. “In fact, that big green laser is the whole reason we call this contraption the Death Star, because it’s what does the whole death thing. Therefore, if you really think about it, it’s the green new laser thingy’s fault.”

Tarkin ended the transmission shortly thereafter.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.