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Friday, January 28, 2022

MarJarJarie Taylor Binks Defends Palpatine’s Secret Sithish Space Laser

CORUSCANT — Rep. MarJarJarie Taylor Binks, considered one of the kookiest and most eccentric Imperial Senators ever elected to office, has gone on the record that she believes a lot of things that most people in the galaxy don’t, or at least wouldn’t admit to believing.

In the short time since she was elected, old social media transmissions of Taylor Binks’ have revealed that the Gun-Gun from Naboo has trafficked in many conspiracy theories. Taylor Binks has commented on posts in the past they she believes the “only good Alderaanian is a dead Alderaanian.” In an ironic development, Taylor Binks also once posted video of herself stalking a teenager whose entire family was on Alderaan when it was destroyed, and at the time she blamed the planet’s destruction on “Anti-Sith rebtards.”

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However, in the ensuing time period between now and when Alderaan was obliterated, the existence of a secret Sithish space laser has been confirmed. Many on Coruscant believe the laser, which is housed on the Death Star, was personally ordered by Emperor Palpatine, though it’s not clear if he’s actually a member of the Sith religion at this time, though there have been rumors swirling about that very question for quite some time. The late Sen. Bail Organa of Alderaan frequently hinted that he might have key information in determining whether the Emperor is a Sith or not.

At any rate, Senator Taylor Binks, whose office was shuttered when the Emperor decided to dissolve the Imperial Senate permanently, held a press conference in front of the old Galactic Senate building this morning. During the presser, Taylor Binks expressed her “unwavering, undying support” for Emperor Palpatine.

“Emperor Palpatine believes in me, and I believe in Emperor Palpatine,” Taylor Binks told reporters. “If he had to build and design a secret Sithish space laser to keep the Rebtards in line, then obviously there must have been a good reason for it. Who are we to question the wisdom of Sheev Palpatine? I will never stop supporting the Empire First agenda, and I think if everyone out there is smart, they will too.”

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There is nothing the Emperor could do to lose her support, Taylor Binks insisted.

“I bet you can’t really kill him, because I bet he’d have some kinda cool way to stay alive even if you threw him down a reactor shaft or something equally as unlikely,” Taylor Binks commented. “So, no, I won’t be abandoning my Emperor. And guess what, Rebtards? He’s still your Emperor, too!”

The Emperor did not comment on this story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.