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Saturday, October 23, 2021

“That Son of a Sith Cut My Arm Off!” An Exclusive Interview With a Wampa

“Finding a humanoid riding a tauntaun is like finding an appetizer riding your entree.”

It’s an explosive allegation. It will need a full and thorough investigation, but if what our interviewee told us is true, a man somewhere out in the galaxy has some explaining to do, and very likely a major lawsuit on his hands.

“There I was, out on the frozen planes, just minding my owns, and the next thing I know,” Leru, a Wampa who lives on the ice planet Hoth explained during his exclusive interview with our publication, “I hear this tauntaun call. I think to myself, ‘I’m hungry as heck right now,’ and so I go to check it out.”

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To Leru’s great luck and surprise, not only was there a tauntaun not far from where he was, there was a humanoid rider.

“Finding a humanoid and a tauntaun is like finding an appetizer riding your entree,” Leru laughs. “So, I did my Wampa thing, which according to well-established Hoth law I’m within my rights to do, and I mauled the living crap out of his tauntaun.”

Then, Leru swiped the humanoid off the tauntaun and dragged both his prey to his nearby home, an ice cave.

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“I have the absolute best tauntaun confit recipe, and I had a feeling that a soup made from the humanoid would pair insanely well with it,” Leru said. “But the thing about humanoid is that you gotta hang ’em up to send all the blood rushing to their heads before you bite ’em off; just a little culinary tip for my fellow Wampa out there.”

Leru the Wampa enjoying one of his last meals with both arms…attached.

So Leru hung his humanoid up by his feet and started butchering the tauntaun. It takes a little over two hours to properly butcher a tauntaun, Leru said, and had he thought there was a chance his humanoid would wake up, he’d have eaten the human first, he said. Unfortunately for Leru, the humanoid did wake up, which is when everything fell apart.

“Now, I don’t know how this guy does this, and I swear it’s gonna sound like I was high or drunk or something, but I was sobe,” Leru said. “He gets himself out of the ice with some kind of laser sword that I truly did not think he had on him! I checked him for human weapons before I hung him up!”

Now that a laser sword was ignited, Leru took a chance at being able to reason with the humanoid, but unfortunately, as he took a step forward to begin speaking, he realized too late that the human didn’t speak Wampish and he didn’t speak Basic.

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“That son of a Sith cut my arm off! I know I was gonna eat him, but I was well within my legal rights as a dominant, predator species,” Leru exclaimed, “and besides, I was gonna try to reason with him! I swear it, I was!”

Leru has been in contact with several attorneys on Hoth, but so far none have been able to track down the man who cut his arm off. According to Leru, his interpretation of Hoth lawis that he was legally permitted to kill and eat both the tauntaun and its rider, but litigants must be on the planet to be legally served with a lawsuit.

“I don’t know. The guy just vanished right after some kind of armed conflict or whatever? I’m not a human,” Leru said, “so I don’t tend to pay attention to human affairs. I hope we find the guy. My medi-bot bills are CRAZY since Hoth doesn’t have universal health care thanks to all the idiot LOLbertarians that live here.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.