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Friday, January 28, 2022

Vader Blames Death Star’s Destruction on Gender Reveal Party Gone Awry

Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith and Emperor Palpatine’s longtime BDSM partner, was clearly unnerved at the reporters’ questions today, but was also just as evidently aware of the need to answer them. It’s never been estimated how many taxpayer credits were spent over the years researching, developing, designing, and building the Death Star. However, in the blink of an eye last week, no matter how many credits were spent, the battle station — one of Palpatine’s most prized jewels in his military crown — as destroyed near Yavin.

Now, it was Vader’s job to explain to the galaxy, and his master, just how in the heck it happened.

MORE: Bespin Tourism Board Warns Visiting Droids That Power Sockets Are Not Glory Holes

Imperial File Photo of the Death Star’s explosion
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“As proud as we all were of that technological terror,” Vader told reporters at a press conference today, “the simple truth is that as powerful as the Force is, whoopsies can and still do happen. Just last week I burned myself with the steam coming off my electric tea kettle. Me! I burned myself. Again. You’d think I’d learn, but after all this time, it still hurts. Literally and metaphorically.”

Perhaps to quell rumors of a successful Rebel Alliance strike on the Death Star, Vader denied that the battle station was blown up by a pilot in an X-Wing that’s been described as “male Mary Sue.” Instead, Vader offered what he called “some alternative facts” surrounding the destruction of the Death Star. Mainly, Vader described the situation as a “common mistake” and said it’s been largely overblown in media transmissions.

“It was a gender reveal party that went horribly, horribly awry,” Vader said. “I told Moff Tarkin he shouldn’t let TK-1469 have a gender reveal party for his child so close to the thermal exhaust port. And I was always skeptical about rigging a prank proton torpedo to blow up in order to reveal the gender of 1469’s baby. But does anyone listen to old Darthy anymore? Not unless I choke ’em, they don’t.”

MORE: Palpatine Bashes Renewable Energy, Warns Galaxy About Moisture Vaporator Cancer

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.