CORUSCANT — This morning, Lord Darth Vader addressed the destruction of Alderaan, an inner-core world home to Sen. Bail Organa, who is presumed dead after the entire planet was destroyed by the Death Star. It is heretofore the largest known mass casualty event in the galaxy, eclipsing both the destruction of the city of Jedha and the planet of Scariff which was not completely destroyed. Reports are that where Alderaan once was is now an asteroid filed that was previously not on any charts.
As the Empire mourns the loss of Alderaan, however, Vader expressed sympathy not just for the millions of Alderaanians who perished, but also for the Imperial crew aboard the Death Star. In what will surely go down as one of the most unprecedented moments in galactic history, Vader insisted that some “very fine people” were killed, but also did the killing.
Below is a brief transcript of the exchange between Darth Vader and a reporter.
Reporter: Lord Vader, are you putting what you’re calling the alt-left and Sith on the same moral plane?
Vader: “I’m not putting anybody on a moral plane. What I’m saying is this: You had a group on one side and you had a group on the other, and one side came at the other with a prime weapon capable of destroying an entire planet — and it was vicious and it was horrible. And it was a horrible thing to watch.
But there is another side. There was a group on this side. You can call them the Rebels — you just called them the “left” — that came violently attacking the other group. So you can say what you want, but that’s the way it is.
Reporter: (Inaudible) … both sides, sir. You said there was hatred, there was violence on both sides. Are the —
Vader: “Yes, I think there’s blame on both sides. If you look at both sides — I think there’s blame on both sides. And I have no doubt about it, and you don’t have any doubt about it either. And if you reported it accurately, you would say.”
Reporter: “The Death Star started this. They showed up at Alderaan to blow it up –”
Vader: “Excuse me, excuse me. They didn’t put themselves — and you had some very bad people in that group, but you also had people that were very fine people, on both sides. You had people in that group. Excuse me, excuse me. I saw the same holotransmission as you did. You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking of, to them, a very, very important set of plans to a certain battle station.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.