CORUSCANT — Darth Vader is sick to death of what he calls the “censorship of Sith believes and Sith beliefs” by Big Tech. In a galaxy-wide holotransmission, Vader blasted social media companies for “trying to decide what’s truthful and what’s not” when he claims that role is to be fulfilled “solely and completely ” by Emperor Sheev Palpatine.
“I find the lack of Sith on social media sites disturbing. If Big Tech companies don’t let the Sith say and do whatever they want on the platforms they own,” Vader warned, “I will have no choice but to deem them as enemies of the Empire, and then do everything I can to destroy them, bigly.”
Vader lambasted social media sites that have banned Palpatine’s accounts in recent weeks after he started spreading baseless rumors that the first Death Star wasn’t destroyed, and that it was “anti-Sith Jedi anarchists” who stole victory from him at the Battle of Yavin. Vader warned that if social media companies keep kicking the most powerful Sith in the galaxy off their sites, it might become impossible for Sith to get their message out.
“It’s like I keep telling people when I appear on One Imperial News, do an interview with Hannity the Hutt, or do one of these galaxy-wide holotransmissions,” Vader insisted, “The Sith are being targeted for censorship by big tech and silenced, and I will not stand for it much longer.”
Ultimately, Vader says he’s “looking out for everyone’s freedom of speech” by demanding private companies cater to every whim he has, and of those who love the Dark Side of the Force like he does.
“If a private company can decide for itself that it doesn’t want to have views it finds repulsive on its servers,” Vader insinuated, “then they clearly are working against the Emperor’s powers to do and say whatever he wants, as a supreme ruler of all things. Is that really the kind of galaxy we want to live in, where people can be silenced simply for advocating for the destruction of entire planets? Do we really want to have to force Sith to use much larger and louder forms of communication instead of a social media site that not everyone is a member of anyway?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.